When It Comes to Conversations, Size Matters

Small talk and strangers. Not exactly a milk and cookies combination. In fact, you'll find those two near the top of my list of worst combinations ever, along with "Michael Bay" and "movie", "vodka" and "energy drink", and "lazy fly ball to left" and "Alfonso Soriano".

Let's throw out a hypothetical situation. Say I'm in an elevator and a complete stranger walks in. Most of the time we will give each other a nod of the head, or a verbal greeting, to acknowledge that one another exists, and the rest of elevator ride is held in silence. Is it an awkward silence? Sure a little bit, but not that uncomfortable.

But a number of elevator rides bring about the small talk. "How are you?" You are a complete stranger, do you really care? Also, notice that no matter how shitty you're feeling you will always answer "good" or "not bad". What a worthless question. Another highlight is the sarcastic "Hot/Cold enough for you?" No, I actually wish the wind chill was -50, I'm a little bummed out right now. And of course for me, there is the inevitable:

Stranger: Wow you are tall!
Me: Thanks. (what am I supposed to say?)
Stranger: How tall are you?
Me: 6'7''
Stranger: Wow, that's really tall!
Me: Yep...(No shit Sherlock...)
*awkward silence*
Stranger: I have a nephew who is, uh, 6'5'' I believe. Not quite 6'7'' but...
Me: That's still pretty tall though.
Stranger: Yea...
*increasingly awkward silence*

I know people start small talk to avoid awkward silences, but it always seems to lead to a silence 20 times more awkward than it would be if no conversation had started.

Elevator rides only last a few seconds, so it's not that bad. Thankfully, there are very few times in life where we are alone with strangers for a period long enough to require a conversation. One of these is at the dentist, but you usually have tools in your mouth, so you have an excuse for not talking, and you don't mind the dentist talking, because he is cleaning shit off your teeth and you're grateful. The doctor is one of the rare places where you want small talk, because once the small talk ends, the doctor either starts making inquiries about your health ("How often are you sexually active?") or making you feel guilty about your lifestyle ("I know you want to have fun, but I'd say three more Vodka/Rock Star drinks and you are going to suffer massive heart failure. Please, for your own well-being...).

The place that is the absolute WORST, though, is the hair salon. It is a 15-30 minute symphony of small talk and awkward silences. I never want to ask them questions, because I don't want them getting annoyed or distracted from cutting my hair, but at the same time, they keep asking questions and I feel bad. It's like a dance to create the right balance of chit-chat and silence to keep both parties the least uncomfortable. A dance that usually ends up getting executed so badly it belongs at a 6th grade mixer.

Moral of the rambling: If you run into a stranger on an elevator, either give the basic "Hello" of acknowledgment and nothing else, or just go straight for the jugular, and ask them how they would set up a college football playoff system. Hey, at least it would be different.